Your past does not define you: Jai’s story

This post from Jai Huntley is an inspiring one, albeit heartbreaking. Jai writes about growing up with a mother who had an active addiction and how she learned to find her own voice over the years. As she explains, your past does not define you it prepares you for the future.

My name is Jai. I was born in Durham, North Carolina and raised in Charlotte, North Carolina. Though this may sound cliché, growing up, my life wasn’t as normal as I would have liked for it to be. Let me take you into my world.

Your past does not define you it prepares you

As a child, I remember my mother said over and over how blessed I was. To this day, she continues to instill this in me.

Growing up, I witnessed a lot as a child, much more than most people at that age. While my peers complained about their parents not packing their favorite snacks for lunch, or not making the cheerleading team or to what boy was caught walking home with another girl after school, I was watching my mother battle the disease of drug addiction.

In elementary school, social services showed up at my school to question me. At the time, my mother, my grandmother, and myself were all living in a one-bedroom apartment. Luckily my grandmother was in the picture, because there were some days my mother would stay out all night.

At that very young age, I knew that if one slip up came out of my mouth that I could potentially risk being taken away from my mother. I did what any scared kid would do and stood up for my mother. To define it, this was my attempt at keeping my family together.

More challenges

Things got worse. Eventually the time came when we had to put my grandmother in the nursing home. That was because my mother wasn’t able to care for her properly.

At this moment, my life went left. I noticed this was the time my mother became very heavy in her addiction.

Soon after my grandmother went into the nursing home, my mother became pregnant with my little sister. Don’t get me wrong, having a child is a blessing, but knowing you’re not able to care for a child is the part I can’t quite wrap my head around.

My grandmother then passed away while I was in middle school and things got even worse. The apartment was gone and so too was my grandmother. My mother, myself, and my unborn baby sister, were in and out of different places every other month. Why? My mother wasn’t able to provide a stable source of living for us.

Eventually, my mother’s actions caught up with her and she was required to attend a one-year treatment program. This program provided us with a place to live and required my mother to take random drug tests and attend Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings.

A perfect world would have all graduates get through the program and live a happy life without drugs. That wasn’t the case at all. My mother worked so hard to get and stay clean, but within a few months, she relapsed. At this age, I just didn’t understand why.

My breaking point

As my sister and I grew older, I began seeing ourselves suffer even more. We still had inconsistent living situations and lived with different family members.

Eventually, people get tired of your mess and the same tired excuses that you feed them. This is how my mother began burning a lot of bridges for herself and others.

One night I got extremely fed up with this disease, and I took it upon myself to call social services. I told them all that was going on and that she was high at the moment.

People would define her, and so they intervened the very next day. This put my sister and I in a very difficult situation.

I had hoped that I would be able to live with my aunt. Unfortunately, my aunt was housing a felon at the time. My mother was pissed. I knew that. I also knew that something needed to change.

Things got worse before they got better

My mother finally put her pride aside and asked the mother of my really good friends from middle school to care for us. By the grace of God, my friend’s mother agreed to take my sister and I in her care. At the time, I thought this would have been great for us.

When my sister and I first moved in with my friend, it wasn’t that bad. But, when you have to constantly answer the question of why you’re always at your friend’s house, things get complicated.

Not only that, but I also felt my friend didn’t want me to be there. At times, I felt ganged up on by her and her cousin. So, to avoid the tension, a lot of times I wouldn’t say anything because I knew if I did there would be more chaos.

This was probably the longest year of my life. But, my sister and I were finally able to go back with my mother.

That happened with the help of a group of people who made a conscious effort to ensure my mother, my sister, and myself had everything we needed. This happened right before it was time for me to go to high school.

During high school, my life stabilized for a little over 3 years. That was, until my mother relapsed and broke several other of the rules of the treatment program she had been involved in. That taught me that your past does not define you it prepares you.

Stepping up and living life for ME!

This is when I knew I had to do better for myself. I wanted be a good example for my younger sister. Even though my mother supported me in everything I did, she continued to battle her demons.

During this time, we had to move in with my aunt for probably the third or fourth time, shortly after which I went to college. It was a constant struggle, not only for my mother but also for my sister and I.

My aunt kept threatening to kick my mother out because of the different times of night my mother would run in and out of the house. I feared every day up until the point it was time for me to leave.

Even when I got to school, I cried every day worrying about my mother and my sister. When she eventually found another place to stay, I had to pick up the slack. That was because my mom didn’t handle funds properly in the household. Sometimes I payed a bill, and othertimes I bought food for my sister and me.

I worked at Food Lion during the summertime, so my mother felt that I could pay for a bill every now and again. That part I didn’t mind.

The difficult part was when she would ask me to pay a bill, and then ask for extra money. For whatever she needed. I knew better though.

Jade’s takeaway: Your past does not define you it prepares you

When I went away to school, it was almost like a breath of fresh air for me. I could finally get away from this draining situation and household.

But of course, you can never fully run away from a situation without it following you. She continually suckered me into helping to pay for something that wasn’t my responsibility.

Like any other freshmen, we had income from our refund checks. That goes fast when you don’t have any consistent income and spending on everything you see in site that you like.

Supporting her went on for about all of my undergrad years, until I finally made the conscious decision of living for myself and instilling in my mind that I can’t live for my mother. In more ways than one, she made me feel obligated in many situations that would have hurt me in the long run.

I know this is a mouthful. I don’t hate my mother at all. I’m very appreciative of her in so many ways.

Instead I’ve taken the pain and frustration I experienced as a result of my upbringing and used it as motivation. Today I help those who are suffering from addiction and mental health disorders. Your past does not define you.

About today’s writer

Jai Huntley is a current candidate for a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Mercer University. Her work primarily consists of providing direct care to clients who experience addiction and co-occurring illnesses, Find out more about Jai at Protect Your Mental, as well as on Instagram and Facebook.